It happened again. I went out in the world looking like a bag lady. There was no one around to yell, “Young Lady….you are not going out looking like that.” So I did.
Here in Kitsilano, everyone looks as if they just stepped out of a photo shoot for Banana Republic. Even when kitsgals are going casual, the money spent on one pair of Lululemon pants could feed a bulimic family of 4 for three months. I never stop to think that my over-sized, paint-stained Addias sweat pants and my Vancouver Grizzlies toque are not appropriate public roaming attire. Granted, by wearing my ensemble in public, I did make $1.15 in change when folks handed me their empty cans to return for recycling.
That got me thinking how much I wish I could hire a professional mom to nag me into pulling up my socks – or at least wearing socks. Most folks know that my mom is very ill with Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed very young and had a rapid onset, so I haven’t had a mom around to nag me for quite some time. And, as a result, I have definitely noticed a huge slide in my attitude surrounding my appearance.
Growing up, my parents always presented well in public. My dad was the only guy on the block to wear a suit and tie to cut the lawn. He had a standing barber shop appointment to ensure his hairline never touched his ears. My mom dressed causally inside the house, but when she had important functions, like going to the bank or to Safeway, she didn’t think twice about donning a tight fitting Chanel dress that made her look like a supermodel.
Thinking back on their ‘rules’ of appearance vs. my anarchist ways, I know that they would be twitching to remind me of the following fashion principles:
1) Bras that are held together with safety pins need to be thrown out.
2) Putting dirty clothes in the dryer with 12 Bounce sheets is not the same as washing them.
3) Wearing clothes one size bigger than you need is fooling no one.
4) At your age, you need to wear make up….a lot of makeup.
5) Black nail polish is for meth addicts and 9 year olds.
6) Panties with holes in them are sexy if bought new. If they are 12 years old, they are not.
7) If you can’t keep food debris out of your hair, maybe you should cut it.
8) Your purse should not equal the weight of a Labrador Retriever. Take some crap out of it.
9) Women’s shoes are supposed to hurt more than child birth. If you can walk in them, they are not fashionable enough. Side note: Runners with a cocktail dress are ridiculous.
10) You are fooling no one by wearing a Running Room T-shirt and sweat pants in public. No one believes you have just been working out.
11) There is no need to sleep in two pairs of sweat pants, four sweaters, mittens and a toque. If you are cold, turn up the thermostat.
12) Wearing a long top to conceal the worn out thigh patches on the inside of your pants is not working for you.
Having a professional mom around to call me on my lazy fashion choices would be so great. And if she wanted to comment on my budgeting, career choices, dating life, eating habits and swearing patterns that would be awesome too. You don’t realize how much wisdom was contained in all that nagging until you don’t hear it.