Archive for February, 2008

February 23rd, 2008

Car Trouble

Car Trouble

Most Kitsgals pride themselves on the type of car they drive. It is not uncommon to drive down West 4th and think you have inadvertently wandered into a Mercedes dealership. Me? I have never found it to make sense to buy a car for $100,000 when you can buy a house with that money instead. That is why I have always driven run down old cars.  My current car, an old Toyota, tends to cause the other Kitsgals a bit of concern when I park next to their newly leased BMWs. The reaction on their faces is usually one of dismay….like somehow my car has devalued their car by its mere presence.

Growing up, my family never owned a nice car. It wasn’t my parents’ style to spend money on something that was flashy or a status symbol. I remember learning to drive on my mom’s old 1966 two tone yellow Rambler. Manual steering, AM radio with one inch speakers, no seat belts and plastic bubbled seat covers – yes, it was the epitome of cool for any 16 year old girl. I was the only kid in high school that preferred to walk instead of getting a ride.  My friends, who would want me to drive them to the mall, would not sit upright for fear of being seen.  And my friends were the geeky, nerdy ones with no status to lose.  (although it was really fun turning corners sharply as my buddies would all slide to one side of the car given the plastic seat covers and the lack of seat belts – thank goodness, the doors shut tightly)

In terms of taking care of my car, I must admit, I am very poor. If I turn the key and it goes, then I assume the car doesn’t need anything. This rationale works well for a while…until the car does need something and then it doesn’t go. This liaise faire approach to car maintenance was a huge sore spot with my dad. I remember our conversations.

“Hello?”

“Hey Dad. It’s Maggie. How are you?”

“When was the last time you checked the oil on your car?”

“I don’t know Dad.”

“Get that oil checked. Now here’s your mother.”

Last Saturday, my dad’s obsessive warnings about checking the oil in my car came true. Ugh. I was in the Downtown Eastside – for those of you who don’t know the DTES, think skid row X heroin X 400 – anyway, I was there to pick up a friend of mine and when I tried to start the car, it wouldn’t go. And, for some reason, the car alarm went off. And wouldn’t stop. The noise was loud and annoying.

Then, the most awesome thing happened. Like a scene out of Dawn of the Living Dead, crack addicts began staggering out of the alleys to help us. I guess the horn alarm was bothering them too. Soon, we met Frank – who used to be a mechanic before he discovered crystal meth. Frank ripped out the car horn (thank goodness) and got the honking to stop. Then he tried to get the engine to go but no luck. I had to have the car towed to a garage but Frank was so concerned that we couldn’t get to our destination, he offered to steal a car for us. I declined but I was touched by his offer.

A few hundred dollars later, my old Toyota is back on the road. But I still think fondly of all the good folks who stopped to help me in the Downtown Eastside. I can’t help but wonder how many people in Kits would have offered to do an indictable offence to help a stranger out of a jam…not many, I am guessing.

February 4th, 2008

Stripping 101

Stripping 101

Lately, every one in my life is becoming a stripper. Over the past year, I have known three gals who gave up the dream of becoming an office manager, a lead barista and a corporate attorney to become a stripper. I am not sure why stripping has become so popular. Perhaps it is due to the insane amount of money to be made, the success of Pamela Anderson or those suggestive Snoop Dog videos. It is hard to say really.

Just to be clear, Kitsgals are not strippers; though some of them look like they could be.

Frankly, I was a bit shocked when my seemingly normal doctor friend, Jessica, suggested we take a drop in stripping class. I would think that as a doctor she would have seen enough nudity in her day job but, apparently, she got fed up with seeing everyone else naked and wanted to take part in the action. As for me, well, she dared me; and we all know that I do stupid, stupid things when I am dared. (See My First Triathlon for background)

Prior to class, we spent an inordinate amount of time picking our stripper names. Jessica was to be known as Cinnamon Buns and I would be known as Pop Tart. (We were hungry when we thought of the names.)

We arrived at the class early, and expected to see a whole pile of skanks and skank wanna-bes (we weren’t really sure which category we fell into – perhaps skanks in training?), Instead, the class was full of about 30 or so regular looking gals who all dreamed of dancing in a Kanye West video.

Everyone was dressed in normal workout gear. I think this was due to the warning the receptionist gave when you called to pre-register for the class – you must wear sweat pants or, as a novice, you will get stuck to the pole. No one wanted to experience or to explain that kind of burn.

The instructor, Mandy, was super petite (in all areas except one – insert your visuals here) and super perky (insert your visuals here). She introduced herself as Miss Pole Dancer of the Universe 2005 and assured us that she was indeed a real stripper. This was important to me. If I am paying my hard earned $10 drop in fee, I want to ensure that I have a genuine stripper teaching me. I didn’t want a stripper substitute.

Mandy won my heart right off the bat when she gave each of us a spray bottle with disinfectant and insisted that we clean our poles. Sometimes my hypochondria is under control; other times it is not. Given that I am scared to touch the stability poles on a bus, I was for sure afraid to touch a pole that gals have swung their Pussy Cat Dolls all over. I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning my pole.

Mandy started the class with a demo. She swirled and curled so much around the pole; I would swear she was part python. And she did it in 10-inch heels. Wow.

Then it was our turn. Mandy guided us along step by step.

Step 1: Make friends with your pole.

I guess given how intimate I would become with the pole, it makes sense to get to know the pole on a personal level.

“Hello Pole! My name’s Maggie. So, do you come here often?”

Step 2: Learn to walk around your pole.

I began this section with my usual clumping walk around the pole. That was wrong. My walk can be described as less sexy and more “there is a chance I could have polio” style of clumping. Mandy tried to show me how to move more seductively by thinking sexy thoughts. I continued on – clump, Matt Damon, clump, George Clooney, clump, Why was Ocean’s 13 such a boring movie with so many hot guys in it – it makes no sense – I mean just write a good script for Heaven’s sake…clump, clump, clump….hmmmm…not working…

Step 3: Swing around the pole.

This was the part I was looking forward to the most. I like swinging, spinning and going fast. I was keen to learn how to whip around the pole like some super sexy Cirque du Soleil circus freak. Mandy began her explanation.

“Okay. Now this is really easy. Grab onto the pole at a 45 degree angle.” Okay, so far so good. “Place your right leg at a 90 degree angle from the pole.” Sure. “Take your left foot and form the shape of an acute angle triangle.” Which one is an acute angle triangle again? “Next, pretend your leg is a protractor.” Wait!!!! “Swing your left foot in the shape of a rhombus.” Stop with all the math references!!! “Create a trapezoid momentum using the vector of the gravitational pull of the Pythagorean theorem followed by the spontaneous trajectory of the beta waves….” Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was lost. My hopes of whipping around the pole were being crushed. Who knew stripping required a math degree. I had visions of being a stripping school drop out – what would that look like on my resume? I waited for Mandy to come around and help me. She put it in easier terms for me. “Maggie, just swing around the pole.”

And with that, I was swinging around a pole like a chimp on meth. It was fun!!

The class ended and I must say it was a good workout. I have a newfound respect for strippers. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of math skills to do the job properly. Next year, if I need my taxes done, I am calling a stripper. Pop tart out.