I dread getting invitations to an event. As a shy gal. any offer to socialize is met with a high degree of anxiety. At any given function, it is only a matter of time before I will ask someone about his/her girlfriend in front of their their wife. Or make some joke about dengue fever only to find out that everyone in the room has lost a loved one to that disease. Or bring chicken wings to a vegan pot luck. My foot in mouth problem is a source of stress, but it is not the reason for the dread of invitations. I truly dread invitations because most of them come with a suggested dress code.
Yesterday, I was invited to a party where the dress code was clearly stated as smart casual. When I think “smart casual”, I think of Stephen Hawkin in sweat pants. Now, I am pretty sure that the hostess didn’t want me to arrive in a wheelchair waving the flag for lululemon but that is what it brought to mind. After consulting Wikipedia, Cosmo and Oprah.com, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows what these dress codes mean either. But I did learn that there are a wide range of dress codes.
Common Western Dress Codes
Court Wear: This is what you would wear if you are meeting the Queen or fighting a parking ticket. In either case it is best not to wear a tube top and your Daisy Dukes.
Formal Wear: This means that you must iron your outfit. It is not good enough to throw it in the dryer for 20 minutes and pull it out the second the dryer beeps. It is a myth that your body heat will naturally iron out the 14 deep creases still left in it.
Semi-formal Wear: This means mix and match. Jacket and tie on top/ Hawaiian shorts and flip flops on the bottom.
Cruise Wear: Try to recreate any outfit Tom Cruise has worn in a movie.
Casual Friday Wear: Often businesses, will allow their employees the option of dressing casually on Fridays. This means you will be spending the day on facebook, buying stuff on eBay, gossiping with co-workers and generally doing other tasks that ensure you have 0% productivity. Dress to facilitate this.
Street Wear: Dress like a douchebag.
Black Tie: Wear a black tie. Only a black tie.
Club Wear: Mix a tiny patch of shiny cloth with uncomfortable, ill-fitting shoes. You will need large amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in your feet and your soul.
Active Attire: This means to wear sweat pants and a sweat jacket even though the last time you had any physical activity was Gym 8. Wash the ice cream stains out before posing as a jock in public.
Vegas Wear: Put together the most gosh darn awful outfit you can. Then take a Bedazzler to it.
These dress codes are frustrating and confusing. Please, if you are throwing a party, just answer the one question we all have …Bottom line: Can we wear jeans?