Parallel Parking
Kitsgals (and boys) have a flair for parallel parking like no one else in this world. In case you ever find yourself needing to park along West 4th, here are some tips for you.
How to Parallel Park like a Kitsgal
1) The head first: This Kitsgal drives front end first into the empty space and then realizes her car’s ass is still sticking out into the road. Backing up quickly into on-coming traffic for a do-over is a must for this move.
2) The wide swing: This Kitsgal pulls up next to the car ahead of her in good parallel parking form and, upon, backing into the space, swings her car’s front end as widely as possible into the next lane. If the cars in the next lanes have not swerved to avoid hitting you, you can swing your car wider next time.
3) The back and forth: This Kitsgal easily glides into a space but finds herself at minimum 3 feet from the curb. This then entails manoeuvring the car forward and backward to snake herself closer to the curb. Kitsgals like an audience for this type of move – it should be done in front of as big a crowd of on-lookers as possible and should take a minimum of 30 minutes to complete.
4) The bump ‘n go: This Kitsgal confidently gets into even the smallest space but, by doing so, hits either the car in front of her or the car in back of her (or preferably, both) and then takes off before anyone gets her licence plate number. By playing the “unaware” card, she can easily convince the cops that she had no idea she hit anyone when they track her down later on.
5) The “it takes two”: This Kitsgal brilliantly carries a fellow Kitsgal passenger who will get out of the car and attempt to direct her into the spot. This maneuver is also know as “The blind leading the blind.” A lot of dialogue comes with this move. See sample below:
“Keep going. You’ve got tons of room.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Back. Back more. Back. Back.”
“No. I’m going to hit the car.”
“No. You’re good. More gas.”
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Don’t call me stupid. You’re stupid.”
“No. You’re stupid.”
“Stupid, stupid, stupid-pants.”
6) The slow go: This Kitsgal has a Zen approach to parking – she backs so slowly into a space that it is hard with the human eye to see that she is actually moving.
7) The whoops there’s a spot: This Kitsgal realizes the spot she wanted is about 30 feet behind her. By throwing her car into reverse to get the space regardless of how much traffic, swearing, or honking is happening behind her speaks to the determination of this eagle eye Kitsgal.
A truly advanced Kitsgal can combine any of the above moves with the following elements:
- Distractions: Adding talking with your girlfriend, programming your iPod or adjusting your boobs in your bra while parallel parking gets you extra parking points.
- As big a car as possible: The larger the car, the better. If you are a 5’6” Kitsgal, you need to do this with at least a Hummer or extended SUV. Essentially, the car you are driving should be the reason the polar ice caps are melting. Anything smaller is just too easy.
- The ability to flirt your way out of a ticket: Regardless of cop gender, age or attractiveness.
These are the driving talents of the truly amazing Kitsgal.
